TH13: Things I Learned from Watching “The Gardener (AKA Seeds of Evil)” (1974)

1. Bless his heart, but Joe Dallesandro can’t act his way out of a paper bag.
2. Just because you’re Katharine Hepburn’s niece, that doesn’t mean you’re automatically an actor too.
3. Bromeliads are inherently evil.
4. Puerto Rico is a great place for vague high-earning\ white-collar jobs for Anglos.
5. Carnivale is just as big in Puerto Rico as in Rio.
6. There is no reason to be alarmed by flowers that twinkle like Christmas lights.
7. There is also no reason to be alarmed when your gardener begins skinny-dipping in your pool.  In fact, go down and kiss him when he does so.
8. When you hire a gardener, don’t make any attempt to get a last name, or any references.
9. The best gardeners are the ones who don’t own shirts.
10. If your best friend begins to suddenly turn into creeping ivy, the best way to stop it is to chop her up with a scythe.
11. Allow your gardener to have constant unlimited access to the inside of your house.
12. A good gardener can take a bare yard to something like  Miami Beach Botanical Garden in about, oh, 36 hours.
13. Shooting a supernatural gardener will automatically turn him into a tree, regardless of where you shoot him.  Choose your location carefully.