1. Saying “This Movie is Based on Real Events” when your movie takes place in New Orleans means you can get away with just about any damn thing you please.
2. Any self-respecting wife and mother will rent a well-appointed apartment in the historic district in order to carry on a torrid affair.
3. A blind man is unable to bathe himself without help from his mother, even when he’s in his mid-30s.
4. The best occupation for a blind man in New Orleans is a brass instrument repairman, regardless of whether he can actually play any instruments.
5. A 12-year-old girl, when jealous of her mother’s torrid love affair, can drown her little brother and apparently get away with it. (Huzzah! Another entry in Kids Who Kill!)
6. Only in New Orleans can you rear-end a hearse and then be decapitated by the coffin slamming through your windshield:
7. All good second-floor apartments in New Orleans come with a refrigerator that features a locking freezer.
8. If your landlord is blind, it is perfectly acceptable to make really loud sex noises because blind people can’t hear that kind of thing.
9. If you really hate your mother, offer to cook dinner — featuring vegetable soup with the extra special ingredient, dead person earlobe.
10. New Orleans maggots are stronger than any cold that can be delivered by an apartment freezer.
11. A properly appointed New Orleans apartment also features a commercial rotisserie that is kept running at full blast at all times.
12. A severed head that has been kept in a freezer for months will be able to suddenly leap up and bite you in the throat. Take care when approaching.
Keeping up with the “Kids Who Kill” Tally?
Children of the Really Rotten Ilk: 9
They’re Not Bad, They’re Just Misunderstood: 3
Simply Trying to Channel Their Inner Evil Child: 1
Both Misunderstood and Misrepresented in Court: 3