1. Although your movie is called “Schizo”, you may want to include a dry Webster’s definition voice-over of “schizophrenia” because you are playing to the lowest common denominator, audience-wise.
2. The great thing about 1970’s British movies is that you’re sure to see stock actors from Masterpiece Theatre or Doctor Who or both!
3. The best cake knife is a big old blood-covered machete.
4. It is perfectly appropriate to break into your friend’s house on their wedding day and hide big rubber spiders and rats in their bed.
5. Only the best houses have matching shower curtains and wallpaper:
6. When your wife begins freaking out about an intruder in the house, even though there’s evidence that someone’s broken in, just dismiss it because she’s just a hysterical woman.
7. When driving at night in the West End of London, there will be no street lights, practically no car traffic, and certainly no pedestrians.
8. It is also perfectly appropriate to shout out someone’s name in the supermarket, and then hide from view so that the person can’t see you (and therefore freak out).
9. When murdering someone at a bus stop with a sledgehammer, the oncoming drivers will do no more than honk their horns and flash their brights at you.
10. A six-year-old girl is perfectly capable of stabbing her mother to death and both her mother and her stepfather are completely powerless to stop her.
11. A London psychiatrist’s assistant can find out the exact whereabouts of a parolee from Newcastle-upon-Tyne in about 3 minutes flat.
12. Pay no attention to the shuffling, dying, stabbed-all-over bloke behind you while trying to find your way out of a fabric factory. Just make sure you stay in the pin light:
13. When packing for your honeymoon, don’t forget your pig-sticking sgian-dubh: