TUES 12: What I Learned From Watching “American Psycho” (2000)

“Would someone PLEASE get all these weapons out of my head? They’re driving me CRAZY!”

1. Apparently, not only were the 1980’s all about excess, no one ever listened to anything anyone said.
2. For the boys of Wall Street, it’s all about the business cards. Is it bone? Off-white?  Linen? Watermarked? And if you value your life, don’t get a better business card than your psycho co-worker. Avoid the linen and the metallic embossing. I suppose now it would be all about the gigs on the smartphone.
3. Speaking of phones, the 1980’s cell phones certainly must have given these guys radiation poisoning. Those things were big enough to carry a brick of uranium in there.
4. Why would this guy assume that a cheap prostitute would know what a Bijan robe is? Wait. What is a Bijan robe?
5. In the 1980’s you could get out of any uncomfortable social situation by saying, “I need to return some videotapes.” (I actually seem to remember that working.)
6. 1980’s Wall Street merger & acquisitions guys never had to do any work to be highly paid.
7. Anyone who can wax philosophically (and sophomorically) about the artistic integrity of Phil Collins and Whitney Houston may not be totally psycho, but he’s pretty damn close.
8. Trying to shove a kitten into an ATM slot, however — in my book, at any rate – does make you a psycho.
9.  A chain saw tossed over a railing will always land chain-side down.
10. When confessing to your lawyer over the phone of all the people you’ve killed, make sure you list them completely and in order, as your lawyer is sure to bill you for that phone call.
11. Any real estate agent in Manhattan worth her salt can clear out an apartment full of dead bodies and have it ready to re-lease in less than 24 hours.
12. Nothing says 1980’s like Reagan and the televised Iran-contra scandal talks. And Ollie North. God love ‘em both.