TH13: What I Learned from Watching “Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks” (1973)

Frankensteinscastleoffreaks

1. Any time you see “A Harry Novak Production” credit, you know you’re in for some hellaciously bad stuff.
2. So … It’s the mid-nineteenth century, but there are Neanderthals running around. Sure, why not?
3. Tempera paints make the best re-animation chemicals.
4. When you hire your family toadys, make sure they’re also a bunch of leering creepy voyeuristic lechers who have holes to peek into every room of your castle.
5. Slapping your woman across the face repeatedly = foreplay.
6. When you just can’t come up with a musical leitmotif for your movie Neanderthals, just record underwater bathtub farts.
7. And oh, yes, by the way …. the Neanderthals have in fact been living in a cave within walking distance of your chateau all this time. You just never went 100 feet into their cave to look for them. I’m guessing you figured that all the loss of your garden vegetables were to really large rabbits.
8. All women’s underwear was non-existent in this mid-nineteenth century pseudo-European village. Corsets, pantaloons, who needs ‘em?
9. If you run out of period-type costumes, just toss in a guy wearing a 1970’s polyester shirt and bell-bottom jeans. No one will notice, even when he has some major screen time.
10. Pissing off your household dwarf servant will only come back to haunt you.
11. Even though you’re just going to keep him strapped to a table all the time, it’s good protocol to fully dress (with socks and shoes, even) your re-animated Neanderthal.
12. If you have to show the pages of a “medical journal” on screen, it doesn’t matter what you write in it:

Uh ... toast, prosciutto, bacon, vodka ... Wait!  I think I mixed up my medical notes with my recipe book!

Uh … toast, prosciutto, bacon, vodka … Wait! I think I mixed up my medical notes with my recipe book!

13. If you’re not sure if you’ve given a credit to one of your actors, just keep adding his name into the credits until you’re sure:

How many damn Mike Montys we got in this flick?

How many damn Mike Montys we got in this flick?

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About The Knitting Cinephile

I'm obsessed with good yarn, bad movies, and the Hubster.
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One Response to TH13: What I Learned from Watching “Frankenstein’s Castle of Freaks” (1973)

  1. Sounds terrifyingly ridiculous. Thanks for post.

    Like

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