TH13: What I Learned from Watching “The Beyond” (Lucio Fulci, 1981)

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  1. Quicklime will completely melt someone’s head.
  2. Falling off an 8ft tall scaffold onto the right hip and arm will cause massive hallucinations, delirium, and internal bleeding.  And the best way to transport the victim is to fold him in half.
  3. If you suddenly inherit a creepy old hotel that’s been abandoned for 60 years, the best thing to do is to hire the creepiest people imaginable to help you reopen.
  4. No one ever drives across the Lake Pontchartrain Bridge.  In fact, you can just take your lane out of the middle.  There will never be any other cars.  However, watch out for the blind chick.
  5. Good self-dissolving corpses will also add soap bubbles to their own detritus to make for easy clean-up.
  6. If both your parents are killed by spilled acid in the name of Eibon, you will go instantly blind once the funeral is over.
  7. Red-Kneed Tarantulas are, of course, very prolific in New Orleans, and also make the following noises:  tapping, grunting, squeaking, crunching, and barking, as well as being highly carnivorous.  They possess the strength to rip a man’s tongue right out of his head!
  8. The New Orleans coroner’s office tends to just leave a few bodies arranged, wrapped in plastic, about the morgue.  Never mind refrigeration.  Who needs it?
  9. There’s only SO much you can ask of a seeing-eye dog.
  10. Seriously, if you put your hand in a bathtub that’s had standing water in it for potentially 60+ years, you’re just asking for it.
  11. Although you have a limited number of bullets, you might as well shoot reanimated corpses in the belly and chest before shooting them in the head.
  12. If you’re an Italian filmmaker, it doesn’t matter so much that your story makes sense, so long as you show zombies, melting skin, and a girl getting her head blown clean off by a .38.
  13. If anyone tries to sell you a property in New Orleans that actually has a basement, just pass it up.  Not only is it generally a bad idea because of the low water table, but it’s also obviously a gateway to Hell.
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About The Knitting Cinephile

I'm obsessed with good yarn, bad movies, and the Hubster.
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2 Responses to TH13: What I Learned from Watching “The Beyond” (Lucio Fulci, 1981)

  1. cocoabean says:

    Hmm.. The mode of transport is interesting. I thought you only folded bodies after they’ve been flattened by a steam roller!

    Like

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