1. The name “Euretes” just makes me giggle every time I hear it.
2. One can make a pretty good Cerberus costume with carpet scraps, a leftover mummy costume, and three flame throwers.
3. How to collect a large faceted stone from a miniature volcano:
a) Throw a foam rock at the volcano to stem the flow of the tempera paint “lava”.
b) Fight off and kill the haphazardly flying “Sweetums” Muppet with the black visqueen wings.
c) Collect your glowing rock from the lava flow. It won’t burn you; it’s just tempera paint.
4. Chain-link fence in Ancient Greece (or wherever the hell this thing takes place)? Sure, why not?
5. If your name is Goliath, you are required to never wear a shirt.
6. Low budget drinking scene? Just use terra-cotta-colored spray paint on plastic Solo cups.
7. For the most atypical crucifixion, don’t just use the “X” shaped cross – instead of standing up the cross, have an elephant stomp on the prisoner’s head while the cross is still on the ground.
8. Do some chores for the Gods, but are they grateful? No! They just want more, more, more! Even tearing down your own house doesn’t appease the bastards! (Although your wife giving herself to a two-legged centaur does, apparently.)
9. A dragon head and neck that hangs out behind a chest-high wall of foam rocks is the most ferocious creature in Ancient Wherever the Hell This Is.
10. Said dragon also doesn’t need to have a throat opening in its mouth. It apparently gets nutrition through osmosis.
11. It’s good form to build your impregnable castle directly above an enormous limestone cavern that is supported by four or so spindly columns.
12. Broderick Crawford may not have much acting chops beyond surly and mush-mouthed, but he can wrestle a really bad fake snake with the rest of them.
13. If you want to make a DVD version of your favorite old movie but don’t have expensive copying equipment, merely project the movie on a wall and film it with your smartphone and burn it to a DVD. The people who watch this kind of crap don’t worry about visual quality. Who cares if the sky looks pink through the whole movie? Perhaps the sky was pink in the Land of Ancient Wherever the Hell This Is.