Just cover me up with a sheet cake

So my birthday is coming up, and I’d like to expound on something that is close to my heart.


When I speak of frosting, I mean, of course, buttercream frosting.  The thick, viscous, stuff that is the consistency of paste we all ate as kids:


Oh, the joy. Of course, I know that commercial buttercream frosting is nothing more than Crisco (r) and powdered sugar. I even know what the ingredients of Crisco are: soybean oil (SOY! It’s good for you!), fully hydrogenated palm oil, partially hydrogenated palm and soybean oil (MORE soy! Yay!), Mono and Diglycerides (because two are better than one anyday), TBHQ and citric acid (ANTIOXIDANTS!).

See? Antioxidants! Holy crap, I should use this stuff for face cream! And yes, I know that the hydrogenated stuff keeps frosting shelf-safe so it doesn’t need to be refrigerated. I see that as a good thing. Now that we no longer have Twinkies (r), we need stuff with shelf-life.

There are, of course, those who disagree with me, that buttercream frosting is evil and gross and too sweet. These people are the people who eat something called “Whipped Frosting”:


See, this isn’t frosting.  This is some sort of whipped, air-filled, tastless, evil stuff designed to trick my happy self into thinking I am about to eat something delightful and sweet that squeaks against my teeth as I bite through it and into the cake (which merely serves as a vehicle for said frosting) but instead my teeth slide through this slick, noxious non-dairy material.

Yes, non-dairy, kids, what did you think you were eating?  Okay, maybe Cool Whip (r) is low-dairy, but take a look at this ingredient list:

Hydrogenated oils (it doesn’t say what kind of oils), (High fructose) corn syrup (which we all know is the devil on earth and is also close to becoming a sentient being in its own right), Skim milk and light cream (alright, alright, I’ll give you that one), Sodium caseinate (I’m guessing this is a milk by-product, but consider we also used to make paint out of milk by-products), Natural and artificial flavor (which can be anything, for heaven’s sake.  I mean, boogers are a natural flavor.  I don’t want boogers on my frosting.), Xantham & guar gums (thickeners that also make for a sticky consistency.  Guar gum is also used in erosion control.), Polysorbate 60 (what happed to the first 59??), Sorbitan monostearate (I looked this one up.  This is synthetic wax.  Yup.  Let’s go polish your car.),  Beta carotene (oh hooray, something that won’t kill you!)

I mean, seriously?  This is what you’d rather eat on the rare occaisions you have cake?  Wax?  If you want wax, eat one of the birthday candles.  If you want beta carotene, eat a carrot.  Or better, eat carrot cake.  That way you can have cream cheese frosting, which is almost (but not quite) better than buttercream frosting.  I do, however, apologize to the lactose-intolerant out there, because I know you can’t have cream cheese frosting.  But you probably shouldn’t eat whipped frosting either, even with the infinitesimal amount of milk product that’s in that horrible stuff.  If the buttercream is made of shortening, that’s the way to go, my lactose-intolerant friends.

Mmmmmmm.  Frosting.  Dammit, where’s my cake?


About The Knitting Cinephile

I'm obsessed with good yarn, bad movies, and the Hubster.
Aside | This entry was posted in Scotvalkyrie is a grade-A goofball and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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