So you all know that I recently had a birthday, and since I was turning 39, one of the things I wanted to do was to visit a local restaurant called The Heart Attack Grill. You may have heard of it on the news as being dangerous, unethical, immoral, and generally bad for the universe. So, of course, I wanted to go. Hubster wanted to go as well, as he heard something about the nature of the waitresses.
We tried to go on my birthday itself, but even the Heart Attack Grill seems to take to take at least a partial Day of Rest. So last night, after (and only after) I weighed in (1.8 pounds lost, woot!) we went down to Chandler to have us some burgers. Well, not just any burger, but a Bypass Burger:
This one is known as the Quadruple Bypass, and I think it’s about 8000 calories. Although this picture shows the burger (if a burger it can be called) with onions and tomatoes, the burger is now served simply with the key ingredients: bun with melted butter sprayed on top, a juicy burger slab of meat with probably 50% fat content, and thick slabs of cheese. Bacon, for some reason, is not an option. There is now a bar of vegetables and condiments, but considering where I was, I eschewed all veg on my (single) Bypass burger since I don’t believe in torturing hapless veg.
The other menu item is unlimited amounts of Flatliner Fries, which are cooked in 100% lard. In the past, Heart Attack Grill also has melted cheese sauce and gravy available as fry toppings, but these are no longer available, which disappointed me. I was looking forward to eating a bowl of “cheeez” soup with a few fried potato “crackers” but the fries were good anyway with the ubiquitous fry topping of Denmark, mayo.
To drink, there’s good ol’ PBR and bottles of Coca-Cola from Mexico, the kind with pure cane sugar. Filterless Lucky Strikes are also sold here, but since there’s a smoking ban inside all establishments, you have to enjoy your cancer sticks on the patio.
But the food itself is not to reason to visit the Heart Attack Grill. These are:
Our waitress/nurse (not pictured above) was a PYT with slightly miraculously cantilevered mammaries and she was cute as a button. She was also very talkative. She was also dumb as a rock. I think if I had asked her what she thought of the Electoral College, she would have asked me about their football team. Of course, brains are not necessarily needed to work here. In fact, the prices of all the food items are listed as such as most combinations of them end up with an even amount of cash; e.g. our bill was $24. Even. Very little change-making involved.
Another fun-fact: if you weigh 350 lbs, you get to eat free. Anytime. Lovely, ne?
Fun? Yes. Good food? Well, the burger was juicy, but not spectacular. But you don’t go to the Heart Attack Grill for the food. Just look again at the photo above.